Current mood:

morose

a definate change in scenery
So while I am typing this blog, I am also playing BrainBattle with Tara...should prove interesting.

This weekend was an interesting one, full of fun and introspection. It has left me with some deep thoughts, some which I will touch on here and others that I won’t touch on at all...its better that way.

Friday I went to get Jay from TO. We had a nice ride back and a nice visit. (Tara and I are having a very difficult time playing online and have decided to abandon the prospect of online games) Saturday we went to the Laurier Brantford Formal with Denny, Ashleigh, Kev, Shannon, Geoff and Laura. Had an absolute blast; I got to see a few people I had not seen in a long while and at the same time I was able to release some very negative energy that I had been harbouring. It was good to sit down and talk with them frankly and it felt even better to tell them that, while I was biased and not pleased with the way things unfolded, they did so with everyone ending up in better places. I can be happy with that. Drank way too much and suffered for it Sunday morning. We then went out for breakfast at the Golden Griddle after about an hour of no one really deciding where we should be going. How I love the annoying politeness that comes with being considerate! My tummy wasn't really in the mood for anything, but stuffed some munch down and then Jay and I headed back to CBridge. After finishing up some stuff there, we went back to North York.

So back in North York we went shopping for some groceries and, feeling lazy, went and grabbed some food from Montana's (I bought breakfast so Jay bought dinner). The weather was pretty bad back in Bridge-ville so I stayed in North York. Jay had a bit of work that he needed to get done so I sat on the bed and wrote and read until he was finished. If you like nursery rhymes and fairy tales, I suggest you pick up "The Book of Lost Things" by John Connelly. I drove home today in some pretty scary weather. But home I made it and have spent the day thinking and writing. Oh yes...I also received a $30 ticket from the wonderful city of T-fucking-dot!

I have been sort of forced to try and understand what forgiveness really means this weekend. On one hand, I am trying hard to release all the negative vibes that I have been storing inside, and while some of them are easier then I thought to release...others are not so much. Things that happened years ago still give me the same cold feeling and cause me to shake uncontrollably while I try to restrain the rage I feel welling up. As I do this, the rage become a very sour, very helpless sadness and then I feel guilty for feeling this way, even though I know I am entitled to. Perhaps some of these old hurts were not dealt with properly when they occurred, but at the time, I dealt with them the best way I knew how. It's very hard to look back and think about what you could/should have done differently, when unfortunately, that is not an option. So what is a girl to do? I have learned that I hold things for too long, but at the same time, perhaps I forgive too easily, and receive forgiveness too seldom. In fact, I believe that is exactly the case. I am so eager to forgive others for their trespasses against me...however I seem incapable of receiving forgiveness and understanding from those who I have hurt along the way. It is hard to sit back and watch something happen that is out of your hands, knowing that you could be seriously burned, not by the action, but by the lack of consideration...after you have given so much yourself. Now, after writing this, I feel....mixed up. I don't know if it is my own fault that people find it difficult to forgive me...or perhaps I am wrong about all of this entirely.

I am so afraid of loosing those around me that I am willing to put up with just about any situation; then when I take a stand on something with someone close to me… I feel guilty, as though I am to blame for the situation's outcome…even (especially) when I am not. So again, where am I to find the balance?

It feels so wonderful when you are able to forgive, really let it go, because you have faith that the occurrence, or whatever, won't happen ever again in a way that hurts you or those you care about. There are a few major events in my life that I have forgiven most parties involved, but not all…nor do I really want to; yet at the same time I do because I hate the way I feel inside. I dislike all the nasty thoughts that run through my mind when these demons re-appear in my life and I have said some very, very nasty words regarding certain individuals that, in all honesty, I truly meant from the bottom of my heart and that scares me. I can be so warm and so loving, and at the same time, I can be so cold and menacing. There is a certain individual that, when describing my feelings for them, I stated if they were to die I would attend their funeral in a pink dress! How cold and cruel is that? More importantly, how do I change this?

I suppose more and more of my “dark side” has been emerging lately as I have been falling into despair regarding my future. I really don’t know how to talk to people about the way if feel anymore, for fear of burdening them. I also have become quite private regarding details in my affairs…finding it difficult to connect with people on the level I maybe need to. The more I try to look up, the more I feel alone in the world. It’s as though my seventeen year old self is re-emerging from the shadows of my past and the battle I thought long over is back for a second round. The beast of self doubt and no-confidence keeps coming around and I am getting tired of this war. Every time I think I have prevailed against her, she sends one of her minions to torment me again. The people I need to understand and appreciate where I stand on the issue they are involved with either don’t, or refuse to. Sigh…I am growing tired of the cat and mouse antics; it needs to stop but I don’t know what to do. All that I thought was stable is in a fury of flux and I am the bed-mate of doubt. Welcome to Bummer-ville. Poulation; ME! Does anyone have an express ticket outa here? I need a change of scenery.