Collification

empty hallway save a few of us that linger in silence. No one is talking; aware we are around each other and at the same time hoping to go unnoticed. Noises filter through the passage ways and bounce against the side of my head. he words, the sounds, the humming of the lights mean nothing, only white noise. background. i can see a dim reflection of myself in the linoleum floor; no features, just shaped. a cough, shuffle of paper, a sniffle, the humming. the humming is constant; the lights, the vents. just noise. why do they call it white noise? does noise have colour? i didn't know that. a shoe squeaks on the floor. a shoe thats been outside, goes somewhere i wont at the end of the day. i will go home, to the room i live in. me and Cody. i have to vacuum, Cody hates it. he runs after the silence but can't catch it. the vacuum is loud, too loud for him. he hides, makes his own noises, comes back out when i am done. treats makes him feel better. walking sounds and jeans rubbing against each other. feet scuffle across the floor. the roar of the dismissed as they emerge from class. more noise, louder noise. different footsteps, heels, sandals, runners, all making sounds that bounce off the side of my head. some guy i don't know wraps up his lecture before i go in. more noise. more people. more steps. it bounces off the side of my head.

A seemingly profound moment has begun; the rumbles of the surface speak of the awakened darkness below. Tensions build as the crack appears, growing ever wider...
With a thundering split, a chasm open and lo, COLLIFICATION arises once more to terrorize mankind!
Summoned by her mate Woolcovered, she reaches into the black sky to once again take her place in the bloggosphere!
Who will come forth to tame the beast...?

juducator n. administration of justice; body of judges. judicial (-ish-) a. of or by a court, or judge; proper to a judge; impartial, critical. -judically adv. -judicious a. sensible, prudent. -judiciously adv. -judiciary n. courts of law, system of courts and judges. [L. judex, n. judicare, a., fr.jus law]

Websters New Dictionary 1994

I need to improve on my blogging…it’s on my list. Brief update: super excited about my new lap-top; mum’s work puts them up for draw when they get new ones...we won! This new piece of property will go nicely with my spring classes; another thing I am super excited about. I have a new job working full-time in a jewellery store, the best part is they offered to let me drop down to part time should I choose to go back to school in the fall…and I am so it will be great to have. I have some other things I am waiting to find out about too so the next little while will be tense.

I have been feeling these strange sensations in my head lately, and have finally come to realize what they are…my brain cells are POPING! I feel myself getting dumber, and am honestly concerned. What if I forget things? Or what if I get confused, and say something even stupider than I always do! If it wasn’t for my new job I think I would be back in 5th grade by now. It is a very interesting industry…sometimes I feel like I am in a gemmology class. Already, I have learned so much about the differences between stones, alloys, gems, types of gold…its very amazing stuff indeed.

Sometimes words can escape you and you find yourself lost for what to say. Other times, other's words are put together so perfectly that they are exactly what you wish to say in someone else's writing. This is the case for me today, when I am far from my own Valentine and at a loss of how to express my love for him. It is times like this that I turn to the poets of our past, one in specific who has summed up how I feel into a beautiful bit of prose;

Sonnet

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, with my childhood's faith;
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, - I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! - and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

Elizabeth Barrett Browning

I would like to apologize for the last blog...it was a bummer and I know that. However I needed to put it out, being a fan of cathartic writing, its definitely cleared up for me the need to forgive certain situations blah blah blah...thank you for your patience, I will try to be more fun from now on
Cheers!


Word of the day: PLUPERFECT

a. of a tense, expressing action completed before a past point of time. [L. plus quam perfectum, more than perfect]

So while I am typing this blog, I am also playing BrainBattle with Tara...should prove interesting.

This weekend was an interesting one, full of fun and introspection. It has left me with some deep thoughts, some which I will touch on here and others that I won’t touch on at all...its better that way.

Friday I went to get Jay from TO. We had a nice ride back and a nice visit. (Tara and I are having a very difficult time playing online and have decided to abandon the prospect of online games) Saturday we went to the Laurier Brantford Formal with Denny, Ashleigh, Kev, Shannon, Geoff and Laura. Had an absolute blast; I got to see a few people I had not seen in a long while and at the same time I was able to release some very negative energy that I had been harbouring. It was good to sit down and talk with them frankly and it felt even better to tell them that, while I was biased and not pleased with the way things unfolded, they did so with everyone ending up in better places. I can be happy with that. Drank way too much and suffered for it Sunday morning. We then went out for breakfast at the Golden Griddle after about an hour of no one really deciding where we should be going. How I love the annoying politeness that comes with being considerate! My tummy wasn't really in the mood for anything, but stuffed some munch down and then Jay and I headed back to CBridge. After finishing up some stuff there, we went back to North York.

So back in North York we went shopping for some groceries and, feeling lazy, went and grabbed some food from Montana's (I bought breakfast so Jay bought dinner). The weather was pretty bad back in Bridge-ville so I stayed in North York. Jay had a bit of work that he needed to get done so I sat on the bed and wrote and read until he was finished. If you like nursery rhymes and fairy tales, I suggest you pick up "The Book of Lost Things" by John Connelly. I drove home today in some pretty scary weather. But home I made it and have spent the day thinking and writing. Oh yes...I also received a $30 ticket from the wonderful city of T-fucking-dot!

I have been sort of forced to try and understand what forgiveness really means this weekend. On one hand, I am trying hard to release all the negative vibes that I have been storing inside, and while some of them are easier then I thought to release...others are not so much. Things that happened years ago still give me the same cold feeling and cause me to shake uncontrollably while I try to restrain the rage I feel welling up. As I do this, the rage become a very sour, very helpless sadness and then I feel guilty for feeling this way, even though I know I am entitled to. Perhaps some of these old hurts were not dealt with properly when they occurred, but at the time, I dealt with them the best way I knew how. It's very hard to look back and think about what you could/should have done differently, when unfortunately, that is not an option. So what is a girl to do? I have learned that I hold things for too long, but at the same time, perhaps I forgive too easily, and receive forgiveness too seldom. In fact, I believe that is exactly the case. I am so eager to forgive others for their trespasses against me...however I seem incapable of receiving forgiveness and understanding from those who I have hurt along the way. It is hard to sit back and watch something happen that is out of your hands, knowing that you could be seriously burned, not by the action, but by the lack of consideration...after you have given so much yourself. Now, after writing this, I feel....mixed up. I don't know if it is my own fault that people find it difficult to forgive me...or perhaps I am wrong about all of this entirely.

I am so afraid of loosing those around me that I am willing to put up with just about any situation; then when I take a stand on something with someone close to me… I feel guilty, as though I am to blame for the situation's outcome…even (especially) when I am not. So again, where am I to find the balance?

It feels so wonderful when you are able to forgive, really let it go, because you have faith that the occurrence, or whatever, won't happen ever again in a way that hurts you or those you care about. There are a few major events in my life that I have forgiven most parties involved, but not all…nor do I really want to; yet at the same time I do because I hate the way I feel inside. I dislike all the nasty thoughts that run through my mind when these demons re-appear in my life and I have said some very, very nasty words regarding certain individuals that, in all honesty, I truly meant from the bottom of my heart and that scares me. I can be so warm and so loving, and at the same time, I can be so cold and menacing. There is a certain individual that, when describing my feelings for them, I stated if they were to die I would attend their funeral in a pink dress! How cold and cruel is that? More importantly, how do I change this?

I suppose more and more of my “dark side” has been emerging lately as I have been falling into despair regarding my future. I really don’t know how to talk to people about the way if feel anymore, for fear of burdening them. I also have become quite private regarding details in my affairs…finding it difficult to connect with people on the level I maybe need to. The more I try to look up, the more I feel alone in the world. It’s as though my seventeen year old self is re-emerging from the shadows of my past and the battle I thought long over is back for a second round. The beast of self doubt and no-confidence keeps coming around and I am getting tired of this war. Every time I think I have prevailed against her, she sends one of her minions to torment me again. The people I need to understand and appreciate where I stand on the issue they are involved with either don’t, or refuse to. Sigh…I am growing tired of the cat and mouse antics; it needs to stop but I don’t know what to do. All that I thought was stable is in a fury of flux and I am the bed-mate of doubt. Welcome to Bummer-ville. Poulation; ME! Does anyone have an express ticket outa here? I need a change of scenery.

The Back Deck

And I sat there;
Not really thinking,
Not really seeing,
Not really hearing,
Not really caring.
But very much sitting;
Very much enjoying,
That there was very little to do

Word of the Day: gall'ey
NOUN. one-decked vessel with sails and oars, usually rowed by slaves or criminals; large rowing-boat, esp. that used by the captain of a warship; ship's kitchen; printer's tray for set-up type. - gall'ey-proof. NOUN. printer's proof in long slip form. (OF galee)
(Webster's New Dictionary 1994)

Hello! My name is Colleen, and I have a sugar problem. And believe me folks, it really is a problem. The bigger problem is the immense amount of difficulty I have had over-coming this addiction. The thing about it is I think my sugar cravings are coming from my anxiety about not working, and the struggle I have had finding a job.
The plan goes thusly:

Step 1: cut out candy, down on excess sugars (pop, chips and other snacks) and fewer carbs.

Step 2: partake in some sort of physical activity everyday
Monday = Volleyball
Tuesday = Belly dancing
Wednesday = Belly Dancing
Thursday = Treadmill
Friday = Yoga
Saturday = Yoga + Treadmill
Sunday = Yoga

Step 3: Write everyday. Perhaps I will even become brave enough to post some of the pieces. I hope everyone will enjoy.

I think I will attempt to sum up my daily events via this journal. It may help me to be more focused and stick to my guns on this betterin’-ma-self-thang. I love feedback so please comment, and get your friend’s to comment too! The word of the day will be in every posting as well; after all…new words are fun brain food!

There seeme to always be a silver lining for all grey clouds. Today, I regestered to go back to school part time starting this May. I am going to persue my dream of masters and PHD-dom in English. unfortunately, this means that I have had to pass up the offer to Instruct at the Fred Astaire Dance Studio in Kitchener. For those of you who did not know, I was offere a training position at the studio to beceome an instructor. I saw the ad in the paper and thought I would take a chance and see if I had what it took. Turns out I did. I love dance. I truely do; but I would be saddend by this job being a source of struggle for me trying to go back to school. On theother side, I would hate to need to abandon the position and leave the studio in a fix. i called and spoke to them and they were pleased that I was so honest and considerate that they would keep my resume and application on file. as well, they asked me to call back in February when I had a better idea of what my schedule was like...perhaps this story is not over quite yet?

Now the plan is to go out to some agencies on Monday and see about getting myself a job for the meantime. Still need monies to do the schoolies and I want to work during school (reason why I applied for P/T studies). I feel like the mist in front of my is clearing up a bit, though still very murky. There is still a lot that I need to figure out inside myself, but I can already feel the anxiety loosening its grip on me. I have started bellydancing on Wednesday nights, it helps to relieve the stress and it makes me feel wonderful.

On the down side, I have just discovered that my dog has eaten of on my favourite shoes.

Since being unemployed I have had ample opportunity to think about what is happening in my life. There seems to be this lingering feeling that something is missing, though I can’t place it. There is also this ever growing sense of fear that I have been developing over the past few years which has lead to some unnecessary stress that is brought on by myself. The lack of success in my job searching has left me feeling inadequate and, for lack of a better word, worthless to the big world outside. I am also getting the itch, signalling to me that the need to live on my own is starting to become stronger and stronger. I am still hoping to return to school in the fall, which will be the time that I move out (bringing my cat and turtle with me). In the meantime I want to snag a job to save up the money necessary for said ambition. I have come to completely understand that it is easier to plan out things when you know what your basic routine is (say, knowing your work schedule and how long it will last).

On the whole, I am pretty happy right now. I have great friends, a great relationship, great home life and lots of opportunities with limited constraints. So…why the constant bummerness? What is it that I feel is missing?

So happy…
Yesterday I mad a wonderful discovery! While fiddling around on the internets, I decided that I would try to find one of my favourite shows from when I was younger; now as you all know I am a cartoon watcher and one of my fav’s was a show called “Biker Mice from Mars” www.bikermice.tv . Some of you might be familiar with this show, but I had no idea how popular it was in the UK and Australia! Needless to say I am incredibly excited about the next generation of Biker Mice episodes.

I am not sure what the general consensus it regarding cartoon watching; however it seems that I have many friends that prefer it to ‘regular’ TV. I know it is one of my ways to escape from life. Has anyone seen the old show?

Because it doesn’t air here anymore, I am dependent on the good people of the UK and Aussie to upload the episodes. Hopefully I will be able to keep up with the series. For those who bother to check the blog, you will be exposed to more BMFM. Just a heads up.

I have been thinking quite a bit about music lately. I have not found an affinity for new music. I have no favourite band. I do however have a favourite song by a favourite artist. There are many reasons for my love of this particular work; perhpas it is the celtic, somewhat tribla feelings it provokes, or the sense of flirting with the mystic which I adore. I am not sure the reason; I am sure however that I feel wonderul while listening to it.
The Mummer's Dance, by Lorena McKennitt
Oh...
Oh...
When in the springtime of the year
When the trees are crowned with leaves
When the askhand oak,
And the birch and yew
Are dressed in ribbons fair.
When owls call the breathless moon
In the blue veil of the night
The shadows of the trees appear
Amidst the lantern light.
We've been rambling all the night
And sometime of this day
Now returning back again
We bring a garland gay
Who will go down to those shady groves
And summon the shadows there
And tie a ribbon on those sheltering arms
In the springtime of the year
The songs of birds seem to fill the wood
That when the fiddler plays
All their voices can be heard
Long past their woodland days
We've been rambling all the night
And sometime of this day
Now returning back again
We bring a garland gay
And so they linked their
Hands and danced
Round in circles and in rows
And so the journey of the night descends
When all the shades are gone
A garland gay we bring you here
And at your door we stand
It is a sprout well budded out
The work of Our Lord's hand
We've been rambling all the night
And sometime of this day
Now returning back again
We bring a garland gay
We've been rambling all the night
And sometime of this day
Now returning back again
We bring a garland gay




Word of the day: skullduggery - noun: a devious act or trick. also: to act deceitful or to have no scruples

my cat looks at my dog
with a furrowed brow as
she sniffs his tail atop
of my bed
she settles on my laundry
(once clean)
he sits
pissed off
why would they bring home such a beast?
dignified; saucy temperment
towards his new sibling.
who can blame him?
her nose is cold

The funniest thing I saw today was a person standing outside of the services Canada building, underneath the no smoking sign lighting up a cancer stick. It just hit me; this is the building that the people of Cambridge go to find jobs, apply for employment insurance, retirement information etc. and now we have a person who seeming can't read the sign, or simply doesn't care. It just boggles my mind. Now, to be fair she very well might be an employee of one of the many institutions in the building but then should she not be more aware of the signs? In this case, she simply doesn't care. I don't really know where to go with this now, as I don't really know how to find the right words to express the shock I had upon seeing this.

They weren't kidding when they said that looking for work is a full time job in itself, especially when your field doesn't seem to be hiring entry level positions. FRUSTRATING!!! I am glad that I was smart enough to be thrifty while I was working, and as such I am not broke; not rich, but not broke and should be able to hang in there for a while.

This past weekend was a really good one. Jay slept over Friday night and we were able to spend most of Saturday together as well. after an unsuccessful attempt at seeing 'the queen' on Friday night we went out for dinner with the Guitard clan to king's buffet (yum) then headed back to Cambridge so I could drop my baby bro off at his friend's house. We took Kaya for a walk (with jay actually walking the new puppy!) and when we got home jay had a workout while I cleaned up a bit for my parents' return from Germany on Saturday. We watched a couple episodes of 'arrested development', hung out chatting for a bit then hit the sack (there were some 'extra curricular' activities in there as I’m sure you can imagine:) Saturday we got to visit with our very own Kalin, after which we headed back to Guelph to see 'the queen', this time we successfully got in. Aside from jay's various geriatric comments, the movie was actually really, really good! I went with the jay b/c he needed to watch it for school, and figured it would be mediocre at best; I went to keep Jay company more or less. I was pleasantly surprised with the quality and the film as well as the captivating story line. I recommend it! It was great! While we were watching it from a PR perspective, the English geek in me couldn't help but emerge to take in all the allusion and metaphors (very obvious at some points, which is fine) that were present. There was one scene particularly powerful; during the story, prince Philip was constantly taking Prince Harry and Prince William out to stalk a 14 point buck (a rare deer specimen of highest quality which hadn't been seen in the country for many, many years). This is one of the allusion to Princess Diana, as she was considered extremely beautiful and rare, the 'people's princess'. earlier in the story, the Queen gets her 4x4 stuck in the river while trying to catch up to ht hunting party; while stuck in the river waiting for help, she begins to cry and the buck appears. She is amazed by the animal, saying 'you really ARE a beauty'. A few moment's later, she here's gun shots and hounds; clearly frightened that the buck will be shot, she shoos it away (bad form to interrupt a hunting party), but the buck runs off and all seems to be well. Later in the film, news comes that the buck was caught on a neighbouring estate and was shot by a commercial resident (Dianna was killed in France). The Queen goes over to the estate, to see the dead buck. In the killing room, we see the buck hanging upside down with his head cut off, blood dripping into the drain in the floor. The owner of the estate comments 'isn't he a beauty. The Queen looks to the counter where the bucks head is sitting; there is bullet wound in his cheek. noticing this, the Queen comments 'he was wounded'; the owner then comment that they had to follow him for (now I can't remember the exact distance, but I believe it was a half mile) before they could get another shot in to bring him down. The important part here is that they had to follow the buck for the same distance that the paparazzi followed Diana on the night of her death, from her leaving the dinner with Dodi, to the point of her crash. After a moment of silence, the Queen says 'let's hope he didn't suffer too much' (Diana did not die on impact, she later died in a French hospital). While I found it to be a fairly obvious allusion to Diana's last few hours of life, I know it was not so obvious to others. However obvious it was or wasn't, it was a beautiful moment that allowed the Queen to appear remorseful of the death of her ex-daughter-in-law. By the prince's not being able to bring the buck down themselves, it also brings to light that they were nowhere near their mother, or even aware of the perilous situation she was in on the night of her death.

Sorry, the English geek in me needed to get that out :)

my family now has a puppy girl.
she has sharp teeth
and chews everything
sharp as a whip
with brown eyes
her name is kaya

here at my desk
i sometimes get bored, time usually goes quickly...today it seems to be ticking along at a good pace. tomorrow is my last day for this current contract, however it looks as though they will be extending it for a little be longer. i am curious...i would imagine another month. better than being unemployed and it helps with expenses. this pay check will be small due to my two week virus...stupid virus...so i will need to pinch some pennies for the next while. money issues suck. well now, wasn't that profound!

the past two weeks have been rough health wise as i have been fighting off a virus that had a hold on my tummy and intestines. two weeks off work; not good. not only does it reflect negatively (i have a DR note but that doesn't really seem too much for some) but i have lost two weeks in my last month of employment. my contract with Transgear is up Oct 19, and i am now out two weeks pay...damn virus! so with unemployment looming in the background i find myself feeling much like a sheep out of pasture. i still want to go to school in the winter (part-time) but am having a hell of a time getting anyone at Laurier to get back to me. oh well; we keep on pluggin' away.

seriously though, i have been employed since i was 14 years old; the idea scares me. i will be unemployed and living at home. well, at least i am not 30, unemployed and living at home....if that ever happens i will kill myself. i know it will only be for a short time, i just so dislike looking for a job, and starting something new. i hate new, i like familiar. new is fun but it requires effort in getting to know people, and i have become perhaps a bit to....how should i say it...lazy, in this field. i always shine through in this regard, even though i am somewhat fearful of meeting new people...surprised?

with my health on the rise i am pleased that it looks as though i will be able to work at least one more week before they cut me loose; as i am fairly certain that i will not be extended this time around. ironic that a gastro-intestinal virus should cripple me in such a way as i have lived with IBS for most of my life...a pity indeed.

fingers crossed mates - let's hope fate is kind to me o're the next few months
adieu

I am writing from a different home this time; from Jay's home actually, as I cam cat sitting for the the week while Bev and Hugh are in Myrtle Beach! This weekend was a good one for me as Friday was my four year anniversary with Jason. I left directly from work on Friday and made my way to North York where my partner in crime awaited me with a delicious spaghetti and chicken dish for dinner. After dinner (and dessert....oh ya!) we headed back to Cambridge where we spent the night having fun together. Saturday we took the opportunity to go see Gridiron Gang after I got home from a friend's baby shower and then headed into Guelph.

It amazes me how fast these four years have come and gone. Sometimes is seems like no time and sometimes I feel like I have known him forever; I suppose though that means we are in a good relationship when there is that strong of a connection.

I must say it has been fun. There have been ups and downs that are not uncommon but we seemed to manage our way through them because we wanted to stay together. It still shocks me when I think about it; I have found someone who has remained my constant and who I could not imagine being without now. He means everything to me and I am looking forward to many more anniversaries to come.

Happy Anniversary Hunny.
I Love You So Very Much.

A place where my mind finds itself dancing
in circles; and being pulled
farther and farther away from you.
Can our dreams be connected? Or will they just fall
though the floor with a deafening crash that wakes the neighbours.

I am bound by the fear that keeps me bound to where I am.
No rhyme or reason.
No excuse.
Just an innate fear that lives inside
me; I see that you do not see this.

Please stay where I am.
I want to be near you always.
Perhaps your fears are greater
than either of us know.
Am I a monster to you?
Do you fear I will consume you?
You and your freedom?

*this poem is ficticious and does not reflect my relationship*